Alms to Apollo

Children of an idle mind cramped in a cabinet of curiosities

I’m waking up to the fact that Jesus is real??

So, I haven’t written in this in years, and I think it is God’s will that I keep thinking and spewing out… fragments of ideas… 

I’ve been creatively and intellectually crippled since leaving college three years ago. I turned off my passion and curiosity when I jumped into entertainment and started to “pay my dues” and enthusiastically take on all the menial work and coffee runs that my poor little body could handle just so I could get my foot in the door….  I felt so under utilized, I had so much passion and such a capacity to create that it killed me to not use those skills.  I died a little bit each day when I didn’t feel like I was challenged or I didn’t feel the rush and excitement of gaining knowledge.  The rational part of my mind knew I had to temporarily extinguish that passion, and push it below my subconscious so that I could learn the game, and someday rise to a position where I could unleash my creativity.  

I knew that I was blessed, but the realization that life as a student is luxury became a hard, cold, lesson that struck to my core. Since the age of 16, I’ve always had a job while also being a full time student. I’m not adverse to labor but, the predominant focus of my life was learning.  After, what is it.. 16 years of schooling and living that very self centered life, the tables shifted and I had to WORK for a living and THINK as a extra-curricular, and extra-curriculars, hobbies, and explorations became extra-extra-curricular.  Time rarely afforded me the luxury to fulfill all of these….  What once was the center focus of my life, became marginalized.  

You pay a university to listen to your thoughts and entertain your thirst for knowledge.  In reality, you are paid to just DO, and not necessarily think.  And, in entertainment, you are paid very little to do very very little, and if you think, well….. you’re not paid at all.  It’s hard for a generation ME person to accept that you have to be a cog and learn before you can have ideas that contribute.  Or, that’s the trajectory I thought I had to take to “make it…” Anyways…. All another topic to explore at a later time.  Moral to this rambling is that IF I had a better sense of self, I would have lived my life, not the life that I thought I had to live in order to live the life I really wanted to live….. 

I just wanted to start off by recognizing my absence from using my brain, and contribute my awakening critical mind to my awakening spirituality.  I was baptized at MOSAIC church in Hollywood on October 27th.  WOW, who comes to LA and falls into a Church?  As someone from the east coast, it’s expected that any woman who moves to LA will become a kombucha drinking yogi who eats raw, develops an eating disorder, becomes wildly obsessed with her outer appearance, moves from “spiritual” usage of Peyoti at Burning Man to cocaine at Supperclub while wearing a skimpy dress and extensions and seeking to hook up with a producer who will hook them up with a commercial gig, because oh, now she wants to become an actress…. 

I’ve had my fair share of trials, luckily I didn’t succumb to that existence, but I did find God in Los Angeles!  After spending three years here, I finally feel home, and alive.  I have found a community of beautiful people who are teaching me how to be a better woman, friend, sister, artist, mentee, trustee, philanthropist… everything… In summary, they have taught me the power of Jesus and how to walk in faith.  

So, yes, my liberal friends at drama school, or my bluebloods in Connecticut, I am now a Jesus person.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s a total paradigm shift- I thought that, as an artist, I was always going to be an outsider, an observer. But, actually, I’ve dove into something I knew nothing about. The power of God moves me to tears and joy and it feels like a dizzying high… but it’s not drugs, It’s God, and it’s everlasting! (Yeah, I know you still think I’m on drugs…) 

 I was and still am an adamant feminist, I despised the Bible as a seminal literary piece that marked an anthropological shift from a matrilineal society to a tyrannical patriarchy.  The concept that Eve was created from Adam’s rib that she was not made from dust like an equal of man, but was formed from a rampart of man was so offensive.  I’m still struggling with that one…. Why can’t God be a woman? Why were Jesus and practically all the prophets men?  Why wasn’t Mary “the chosen one”?  She was just a conduit, a human encasing for the Lord’s son. Why is it a “good thing” that all the Bible is, is a bunch of battles between GOD’S PEOPLE and BAD PEOPLE.  That is a reductive Male world view fueled for a desire for violence. 

I was and still am an adamant environmentalist.  I used to see Genesis as the basis for an entirely WRONG world view. It preached that Man was created to rule over the world, that it is our divine right to OWN land, and CONTROL the Earth.  Just as Christianity spread like a cancer across nations, killing people who believed in other manifestations of a higher power, the prevailing sentiment of mankind is that WE are more important than the earth, and we can pillage and take whatever we want for our own narcissistic pleasure.  (That’s another issue…. Since the industrial revolution, people began to worship consumerism….)

I used to look into the history of Christianity and only see oppression, artistic and cultural stagnation, a systemically biased faith that preached “love” but practiced hate… I saw the inquisition, I saw missionaries telling people that they were dirty and wrong and had to come to their God.. I saw narrow mindedness, I saw weakness.  Do you really need a God to shame you into doing good deeds?  If you’re acting and going through life, checking off boxes just so you can get into heaven, isn’t that missing the point?  God isn’t here to save YOU, how dare you be so selfish?  God is just an excuse.  

This is what I thought.  I was living in cynicism, I despised so much of humanity, I despised self-centered self-righteous practitioners of faith and blamed religion for all the pain and suffering in the world. I recognized that there are so many perversions of the book of God.  There are so many “bad reps” out there for Christians, much like how the tea party has made a laughing stock of the entire republican party.  

I chose to be baptized because Mosaic spoke in a language that was accessible, that spoke to my soul.  If I were Indian, or Afghani, I might pledge myself to a different God if I found a pure practice of altruism, learning, humility, and love.  I do believe there are many manifestations of God and he can take on a million different names.  

What is so revolutionary, or different, about Christianity, is that Jesus walked among men, and he forgave us for our sins.  We all are flawed, we all are human and make mistakes, and in the face of the Almighty, it is easy to think that we are unworthy of love, we have failed to live out our purpose, that we are alone in these struggles…. What I’m finding different in Christianity is that, in it’s unadulterated form, it’s preaches forgiveness, serving others, respect and love for God, but also other sinners.  It teaches us to be tolerant, patient, and loving. 

I think I still feel guilty every time I hear someone say, Jesus died for your sins.  Great, he died so that I can whine about my actually terrific job in Hollywood?  No! He died so that you can stop ruminating on your own suffering and look beyond self and into selflessness.  As I become more intimate with God, I am recognizing all of the times the bible says “thanksgiving.”  At first I thought it was hilarious, HEY! TURKEYS! COLUMBUS! KILLING INDIANS!!!  But it honestly is finding ground and humbling yourself before God, before your colleagues, your enemies, your family, and recognizing the gifts in your life and learning how to give that awareness of God’s grace to others. 

So, yes, I am still on the proverbial step ladder up Hollywood, but I have stopped lamenting my lowliness, and focusing on what’s more important. The most important “step ladder” is the expansive 4 dimensional matrix of truth that you can only find in God.  I am hopefully turning on my mind, and living in the now, living and learning because each rung is a lesson from God, and I must recognize how blessed I am to be here in the first place.  For that reason, I must awaken my creative mind- hard work and intellectual rumination are not mutually exclusive.  I can be the person I want to be now, while still aiming for a higher purpose.  

mementomoritiny asked: I'm enjoying the bit of what I assume is your writing that I've read so far. Intelligentsia in LA or elsewhere?

Hello! Yes, you’ve got it exactly, I wrote that in Intelligencia on Abbott Kinney. Thanks for reading!  I love your images.  

“You can measure time in wrinkles, bursts of clarity and insight, warm beds, waiting in line at the bank or the distance between two kisses.
It stretches and shrinks and sometimes even bends.

That’s why your heart will always keep better time than a clock.”

—The Units of Measurement: I Wrote This For You (via prima-volta)

(via prima-volta-deactivated20130107)

Sitting in Intelligencia

Artisan coffee. I’m partial to french red white and blue

Savory brew, crack for the plaid clad crew

Whirly-gig machines, magnifying glasses

Used for exaction, to separate classes

Those who have taste and those of the masses

bask in the principle of cultural perfection

minutiae of urban physical affliction 

he sips and sings and bends my way

I’m not in the mood, at least not today

coffee rings and hopeful flings

let’s all pay to pretend and drink til the bitter end

Cultivate your soul and she will show herself

Do not be troubled for a language, cultivate your soul and she will show herself.

Eugene Delacroix

Firstly, I am so pleased that Delacroix calls language a female.  He is such a romantic- the idea of giving an abstract noun a sex, most importantly, calling it a female.  Language is, in essence a display of compassion, connecting- a female principle in itself, and in its most primal basic essence, women teach language, bond with their children and foster communication … Even this little utterance of assigning ’language’ a sexual origin, describing it like a muse displays Delacriox’s affinity for the romantics- his obsession with Byron and the whole lot… (Yes, the romantics were a group of men.. but a group of men who at least aligned women with a spiritual and transcendental realm….) But that’s another tale… (I should write once again about his personal journal… one the pivotal texts of my college experience…. )

Secondly, I love him.  He is by far my favorite painter.  And one for whom I wept at the Pere Lachaise Cemetery….  But also besides the point…. 

Delacroix spent many years brooding over the fact that Poets received higher recognition as artists than painters did.  His personal journal often argued for the superiority of visual arts to the spoken word.  This argument about the hierarchy within the arts, ‘Ut Pictura Poesis’ was a hot topic in the romantic age- with roots in Lessing’s Laocoon: An Essay on the Limits of Painting and Poetry (1766) and originating from Horace’s Ut Pictura Poesis (18 BC).

Anyways….. I keep getting away from what I wanted to say about this quote…. as I am trying ever so not so diligently to write everyday using 1 qoute as a jumping point into an abyss of creative bliss…… 

I am all of a sudden very concious of my failure to get into a rapture of thought… to just write without an agenda besides… ‘running with a qoute…’  I am not running. I am standing. 

Oh. my.

And it’s come back…. 

I have spent so much of my time seeking the best medium through which to create… am I a painter? am I a sculptor? am I a designer? a writer?  a dramaturg? How will I communicate and make my impact on society?  I envy people who know that they are good at landscapes, and they will only paint landscapes…. or they like to build buildings so they become architects….  I envy people who can praise god, have admittance to a group— identify themselves through a commonly shared belief….  ’God made him the play the violin…’  ’Singing was her calling…’ ‘He was made to do this…’

I am so… sprawled in my passions.  Frozen when trying to find my langage, my vehicle for expression, my interface with the outside world.  What will live when I die?  I hope to eternally enter the grand dialogue of human existence.. if even on a minuscule scale, I want to say, I have lived, I have seen and I have shared, I have expanded human experience, or at least find a way to record it, and translate it into an art form…. in a way that hopefully will elevate or ameliorate the existence of others.  How can I do that?  What medium?  

I recognize that currently I am criticizing my desire to create, and this is in essence creating, however this kind of writing or thinking isn’t getting me anywhere… this is not the kind of thing that makes me passionate, or makes me feel like I’ve seen god, or makes me feel truly alive… this is the kind of obsession that feels like a plague, a disease… a.. Handicap that comes with old age, aging—- loosing my innocence, loosing the freeness of childhood, loosing Life in the present.  This is certainly no language to share…. 

So….. yes. Delacriox says not to worry about the language…. that we are to cultivate our souls and She will show herself…. did he mean the soul will show herself or the language will?  I hope I am not looking into my soul right now… I sure hope this isn’t the language of my soul… oh my.

 OKAY. Delacriox, how do I cultivate my soul??? Please help!

And from the ashes…

True I talk of Dreams,

Which are the Children of an idle mind

Begot of nothing but vain fantasies….. 

-Romeo and Juliet 


Dreams are the children of a free mind.  An unencumbered mind creating all sorts of connections 

My mind is idle. The vital essense of life is never idle.

Nature abhors a vaccum.

But my essence lies cluttered in dust, how can I awaken the lust of thought.  The yearning for knowledge?

Strip away the parasites and dust of daily existence…

My mind is a decomposing bog, stultified yet churning, fermenting

An aging capsule deep in a catacomb, sunk in a barrel 

Degenerate sediment untouched by consciousness

How can I awaken, dry the moldy dampness and burn the ashes

flush the Blacksmith grime and Braddock slime

Strike and mould, will to fold and find a feature

entice an ember, bate the gnarling creature 

the human capacity, caged within its mortal skull

Yearns for transcendence, glory and resurrection

I want the rush of creative conception

birth a a vehicle that exists outside myself, my body

Which will stand and speak as my lips decay. 

Which will join the lexicon of human record

the godly codex of I AM I AM I AM

Here in the game.  Pick a quote… that inspires you… and let it be the seed for a new idea, let it awaken your mind.  Each morning wake.  Open a book.  read part of a page and choose a beautiful idea.  And run the other way. 

“An Idea is a point of departure and no more.  As soon as you elaborate upon it, it becomes transformed by thought.” - Pablo Picasso

That is power.  To transform and take the reins of an idea, to amass something in the present from particles from the past.  My body is composed of atoms and molecules and proteins and god know what else that used to be apart of a dinosaur, or a tree, I eat things from all around the world. Coconuts from the indies, peaches from chile, spices from india, seaweed from russia.  I am a living breathing collage of creation.  The beauty lies in the union of unsuspecting things.

In ‘The Life of Cowley,”  Samuel Johnson noted that in poetry, “the most heterogeneous ideas are yoked by violence together.”  

“The Emotion of art is impersonal.  And the poet cannot reach this impersonality without surrendering himself wholly to the work to be done.  And he is not likely to know what it to be done unless he lives in what is not merely the present, but the present moment of the past, unless he is conscious, not of what is dead, but what is already living.”  T. S. Eliot

Too often have I studied philosophies and critical theory and found my own voice drowned dead behind the statutory products of grand literary minds.  How is it that Nietzsche and T.S. Eliot are able to articulate exactly what I think, only in proper language?  I am left feeling dwarfed by ancient ideas, stunned in their glory.  I am too small of a person to transform ideas into contemporary currency.

I find that my mind likes to collage ideas.  It likes to find overlays of sentiment, color, Symmetry of ideas, shadows of thought resonating in various cultures.  I like to see critical awareness resonating in seemingly unrelated schools of thought.  And that makes no sense… but I can see it visually…

I am trying to figure out my creative process.  What gets me thinking. What makes me move. This ‘blog’ is not a display of complete ideas.  It is a stream of imperfect thought, a struggle for knowledge.  A yearning to capture the creative impulse, or at least a map to draw the faries of creation, and follow them to godliness… 

“For it is not the greatness, the intensity of the emotions, the components, but the intensity of the artistic process, the pressure, so to speak, under which the fusion takes place, that counts.”   T. S. Elliot 

Privileged Martyrs

EXT.- AMERICAN RAG CAFE- HOLLYWOOD- DAY

Colleen (23, a “painter”) and Trisha (23, “writer” i.e. a T.V. production assistant) sit over mimosas and a langorious brunch at a typlical LA hipster hot spot.  Colleen wears a dramatic hat, dangly earings and a sunny shift dress and leather flats, Trisha a lacey maxi dress and huge coral stud earings and a sharp bun. 

COLLEEN

It’s like… I could get so much work done if I didn’t have to work, you know?

TRISHA

I know! making a sensible living gets in the way of creativity.

COLLEEN

But it’s worse… like working twenty five hours a week doing menial bullshit makes me want to just eat coconut dream cream and watch Notting Hill.  

TRISHA

That is your favorite past time.

COLLEEN

But— It’s not like I don’t have a work ethic— I went to a top univiersity and I was so pumped to do eighty plus hours- busting my ass… finding challenges around every corner… but no.. no one trusts you when you’re twenty three. You gotta do the shit.

TRISHA

I mean at least you don’t actually have to work…. you could quit. Your parents did buy you a house in silverlake. You could just paint all day.

COLLEEN

It’s good to have a schedule.. And I can’t force myself to do things.  I need someone else to tell me to.  I need external influence.

TRISHA

Or internal. What about Blake?

COLLEEN

You are so filthy.  Yeah… he’s basically moved in with me.

TRISHA

Really?

COLLEEN

Yeah- it used to be a treat to have him around and now he just leaves mushy cereal bowls everywhere.

TRISHA

Ew.

COLLEEN

Today- no joke… in the shower. there was like one plump soggy fruit loop oozying down the tile… and then I looked up slowly and saw the whole bowl was on the shower window sill.. 

TRISHA

Ew.

COLLEEN

Yeah.

TRISHA

Isn’t he in real estate?

COLLEEN

Yeah.

TRISHA

I…

COLLEEN

Dont. Get. Me. Started.

TRISHA

Well I’d love to not have to worry about rent. Fuck you.

COLLEEN

I’m just wasting away… like cereal particles dissintergrating into the milky abyss….

TRISHA

I’m glad I got you out of the house.

COLLEEN

(beat) There is so much mediocrity in the world.

TRISHA

I always think that.

COLLEEN

Like…. Why don’t people have a sense of taste?  Like… I’m driving sometimes and i see people… and I can’t fathom what kind of life they must lead to think that what they’ve curated themselves into is desirable.

TRISHA

Well, not to you apparently

COLLEEN

Come on Trish… just look…( points at a horribly dressed cholaesque woman)  what was her mother like? Wasn’t she told not to wear her breasts like that? Or does she have such a low IQ that she can’t understand social mores…. those jeans… that hair style…

TRISHA

…I wonder about the homeless.  

COLLEEN

I can’t even look.

TRISHA

I refuse to give them money.  Does that make me a republican?  

COLLEEN

It’s honesty.. 

TRISHA

Which excuses me from apathy.

COLLEEN

I donno about repubicanism.. They’re usually not the honest ones, right? Democrats want transparency in governemnt… repulicans want…

TRISHA

Guns.

COLLEEN

Well, apathy excuses you from a sense of responsibility.

TRISHA

Responsible for the homeless? It’ they’re own fault!  It’s not my responsibility!! I work. Why would I give money to someone who begs?

COLLEEN

Maybe they were abused as a kid..

TRISHA

Colleen.  You cannot sit here and justify drug attics and lunatics but not tolerate poor fashion sense.  

COLLEEN

True.

TRISHA

LIke.. The other day I was running errands for work at costco.  Fuckign writers room wanted chocolate pie. Had to be costco german chocolate caramel pie. … whatever. And I’m pulling out and there is this young guy with a sign that reads 

(she writes this down)

Testing for randome acts of kindness.

COLLEEN

Ran- dome.

TRISHA

Fucking idiot.

COLLEEN

So now grammar is inexcusable as well.

TRISHA

We’re tough critics I guess. Humanity just not cutting it…

COLLEEN

I swear… sometimes I think we’d solve all the worlds problems if we just killed off all the stupid people. 

TRISHA

And then you think… oh. Hitler?

COLLEEN

Yeah. And then I have to take a shower and eat coconut dream cream. I didn’t mean yeah hitler like the jews were stupid.. it was like… not the same…

TRISHA

(not listening) But so… I roll down the window and say.  RANDOM IS NOT SPELLED WITH A SILENT E.  

COLLEEN

Hah

TRISHA

And I honestly felt good about my act of kindness.

COLLEEN

Education will fix societal ills.  

TRISHA

It’s all about consciousness and education.

COLLEEN

Not communication and undestanding?

TRISHA

America’s punch line was initially “life, liberty, and the pursuit of property” and then some hippy masonic leaders were all like… hey— not everyone can obtain property. Even if they try.

COLLEEN

Whats the next best thing

TRISHA

Happiness.

COLLEEN

Don’t cost a thing

TRISHA

I’m not really happy.

COLLEEN

I’m not either.

TRISHA

I just wanna go back to college

COLLEEN

Where you’re safe and surrounded by ideas… and smart people from a similar demographic… 

TRISHA

It’s really lala land isn’t it.  Hollywood isn’t doing it for me.. Real life isn’t what it’s all cracked up to be.

COLLEEN

They really made us believe we could make a change.  Contribue to society.

TRISHA

I’m getting cakes for crass tv writers.

COLLEEN

I’m working at a tanning salon. and pretending to be a painter.

TRISHA

I dono if we’d pass the you can continue living because you’re smart enough test. You know, if you turned into IQ hitler and all.

COLLEEN

Honestly, It’s not my responsibility. 

TRISHA

Honestly, we’re just apathetic.

COLLEEN

Another mimosa?

TRISHA

Yeah. I’m supposed to be back at work in 20.. But it can wait.

COLLEEN

Yeah. I’ve got no where to be either.

TRISHA

Life really does suck

COLLEEN

We’re just trampled upon, treated like dirt. No good jobs in this economy.

TRISHA

Yeah it’s not our fault its the damn economy. And China’s fault.

COLLEEN

I think I’m going ot register for unemployment and clear my mind.. You know? Take some meditation classes, decide wht I want to do wiht my life..

TRISHA

We’re fucked.

COLLEEN

Cheers.

The other day I was driving behind a truck that said” “We recycle TV’s” after leaving the farmer’s market where they were selling “Pune’s, Potatoe’s and Peach’s”  So naturally, I thought about how Apostrophe feels about this.

What will happen to people in a world where grammar isn’t taught, it’s just auto-corrected by computers?  Will language cease to have specificity and belong to us?  People don’t remember numbers anymore, cell phones just save them under names.  Without my phone, I can’t call anyone.  Without my GPS I can’t get anywhere.  Without my calendar that beeps at me I won’t arrive anywhere on time.  I have to count numbers on analog clocks because I’m so used to digital.  Prepared food lets me get through the day without taking time to cook.  Cars let me travel all over the place in a time span that was never before possible.  Life is faster and more complex but our skill sets aren’t significantly more advanced. Computers do it for us.  Technology enables efficiency without the user having to be more efficient.  I guess I feel okay about modern advances of transportation and basic organization.  However I worry about technology’s impact on basic communication….